Jimi was riding high on the crest of his newlywed bliss when the first of three things happened to him that had been fortold by the wise white rabbit, Longfoot Coney: he broke his arm. It was a freak accident. He fell down a flight of subway station stairs in the middle of a November sleeting. Maybe he was lucky it was only the arm. We are not here to speculate on futures that will never happen. Jimi put himself on the lookout for the next two signs. He wasn't ready to die
*** FLASHBACK *** ALERT *** FLASHBACK *** ALERT *** THIS IS A WARNING FOR THE FOLLOWING COUNTIES THAT A FLASHB
It was the woods. There was probably acid.
It had began as a normal walk in the woods away from civilization, responsibility, and social mores. Jimi began in by sounding a barbaric YAWP! in a basso timbre at a volume he had never previously dared express. The angel trumpets and devil trombones echoed in his joyous cry (G.L.O.R.I.A).
It was his third day eating wild mushrooms and berries that the nice naturist down by the creek recommended when the animals started talking to him. It began as whispers in the empty forest. Mostly about what was good to eat and whose coat was coming in good this season, boy did she look smokin'. But then it got weird. Jimi stopped by a tree stump, drank some water, and smoked a bowl. And waited. Two days later Longfoot Coney came and introduced himself. In return for the knowledge of the wilderness, Longfoot took from Jimi memories, emotions, and the psychic scars of a life of petty crime and recreational drug abuse. Talking animals get off on that shit. Longfoot threw in a death prophecy for shits and giggles. He had never meant for it to come true.
The prophecy went something like this:
"In the beginning there will be three signs:" Longfoot Coney spoke in a clipped tone, eyes rolling into the back of his head, mumbling and shaking like a wino with the DTs.
"1. You will break your arm.
2. You will contract syphilis.
3. A clown will give you three gifts, one of which is more than it seems.
Then you will be betrayed by someone close to you, someone you did not expect.
Then you will die.
Do you want me to go on?"
Jimi did, but Longfoot didn't have much more to say and none of it is really worth repeating. Who cares where secret lettuce patches are or the wormhole to Alice's Restaurant is? Didn't think so.
Anyway, stay tuned for the shark.