Wednesday, November 26, 2008

passion; or, the harmony of the spheres

It get's hard at times (easier now because I've been relaxing all night with icy cold gin while helping out with thanksgiving prep [it seems that all my amazing cheffing skills are in no way related to traditional thanksgiving dishes - and now you know.]) admitting my longing for the written word. It really is, or becomes after withdrawals, a longing. There is a need to write, to create, even to create long, drawn out, terrible, meaningless shit (which I hope that I don't do, but being only the mildly arrogant sort, I cannot claim - and of course I am always fishing for compliments). And then there is this job search. Given the situation and the need to have enough money to provide for me and mine (increasingly difficult in the city) I am continually placed in a situation where I must needs decide between taking a "job" or finding a "career." Because the difference is just as easy as the scare quotes. But it is not quite, or not exactly that.

The problem is multifaceted, but at least one way of looking at it is this: the times they are a-changing. Pekka Himanen argues that the world is beginning (at least) to take on "hacker" ethics re: doing what you love. Beginning. Perhaps. And there in lies the difficulty. Because as the world is beginning to adjust to telepresence, alternate scheduling, and all the rest of it, those of us in position to benefit from being able to do what we love, but too scared or too unable to actually escape from the bonds of our "regular jobs" or our "working for the weekend"/"paying the rent" are left looking out at what could be, what is, what should be ours, but isn't. And that hurts even more than the outliers taking what what we dream of. Becuase this is something that we know we deserve, that we really "should" be doing and yet due to market conditions, fear, and everything else that can/does/will go wrong we are left huddled, glued to our televisions, locked into our commutes, and just tired of it all.

I have dreams. I am afraid that I will never accomplish them (and not because of the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression; or not just). I am afraid that I will never be granted that rarest of rare opportunities to achive my dreams/my goals/my plans for my creative future. And goddamn it, but I hate that I seem so well adapted to drudgery.

Here's to hoping the job search ends up working out for the best...

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