Monday, October 22, 2007

But Wait! There's More!

The gods were not happy. They were not happy at all. Well, most of them were not happy. Jake, god of wine, women, and rock was still passed out and probably wouldn’t have cared anyway. In fact he probably would have just raised the devil horns on his right hand and exclaimed, “That is so punk rock.” Which he will do later on when he wakes up and has the story told to him by three naked virgins soon to be deflowered in a swimming pool of grain alcohol. But everyone else was pissed. This was the second time this week that Jeff Krol had stolen the flaming surfboard.

Jeff Krol, however, couldn’t give a fuck. He was too busy jamming on his guitar (fashioned from Satan’s own third skull so that it rocks harder than a masturbating ninja) and cruising around scenic Buffalo, New York picking up classy ladies to have sex with on the flaming surfboard and then leave at some random street corner where they may or may not be able to find their way home but won’t care because they just fucked the man himself. But then he saw the most heinous sight imaginable and couldn’t contain his rage. He stopped the rocking, stopped the cruising, stopped the fucking hot bitches, and straight up killed Matthew McConaughey with his thumbs in thirteen different and equally graphic ways. That will teach him to steal all the high school girls. Fucker. And then the real rocking began. Jeff Krol flew his flaming surfboard to exactly 1004 ft above the center of exquisite downtown Buffalo, very close to the HSBC Arena in fact, and proceeded to wail so hard on his guitar that every pane of glass shattered into three or more pieces even the bullet proof glass and shatter proof glass and a lot of miscellaneous plastic too. He wailed for no less than three hours while having a marathon sexcapade with a young 23 year old lady who he promised he would introduce to his connections in “the biz” later on that evening but who he would really just kick off the flaming surfboard after he was through rocking and watch her ignite and then fall to her horrific yet amusing death. What a man. What a man.

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