Thursday, December 15, 2005

Drinking for Truth; whatever it may bring

It’s not that I am miserable.  I’m not.  I’m doing just fine.  Not that “just fine” is anywhere near where I would like to be.  But that is mostly how things are and I am not in a fighting mood right now.  If you had not realized it (and I try to keep it hidden, so I don’t know that you would have) I am quite prone to mood swings.  I often fluctuate quite easily from ebullient to pissed off to bottom of the bottle depressed.  And I have little control over it all.  The littlest things will set me off.

But right now I am finding myself in the most truthful of moods.  Well, perhaps not the most truthful.  There are still some lies that I would tell.  Still some truths that I will not reveal.  But I am in a very truthful mood.  So here it goes.  Here are some things that I probably should have said a long time ago and just didn’t, for one reason or another.  I am not really good at this kind of thing.  Anyway:

Misa, I really care about you.  I do.  And I know you find it hard to take me seriously, well, so do I.  But I do have my moments and this is one of them.  If I had lived nearer to you I would have asked you out ages ago.  I can only hope that you would have given me at least a chance to prove that I am worth your time.  But as it is that I live so many hours away, I felt that it would be a waste of your time if I had pursued you.  Especially since I have never found myself very good at the practice.  There are innumerable other girls you could ask to verify that statement.  But as it is that I have been in a depressed mood this evening and then drinking quite a bit to top that off, I find myself in a position that simply will not let me rest on my laurels.  So here it is, plain and simple.  I know we live a long ways away from each other.  And I would not ask you to drive or fly that distance, as it is both costly and time consuming.  But if you want me too, I would drive (I can’t really afford to fly) that 4 or 5 hours (whatever it is) to see you.  Hell, my dad did worse.  He drove 9 hours to see my mom after they first met.  If not, I understand.  Distance is a mother fucker.  And I can take it.  There is a girl around here that I am thinking of asking out.  I don’t know her quite as well, and she may not be as suited for me as you are (I really don’t know, I haven’t gotten to know her that well yet) but she doesn’t live so many hours away.  I realize that I am I likely overstepping the bounds of propriety at this point and if I had anyone to hold me back, I don’t doubt that they would.  But fuck that shit.  Like I said, I am depressed and I have been drinking and I have decided that it was about fucking time that I said some of the things that I have been meaning to say.

I am not so drunk that I am incoherent.  Nor am I so drunk that I will reveal all things.  On the off chance that the girls I know in Vegas are reading this I will not reveal any more on that topic.  It’s just that I have grown tired of wallowing in the mire of my own ineffectuality.  I was made for so much better than this.  And this stagnant lifestyle is not meant for me.  And I will break out in any way I can.

In case anyone was wondering: 2 gin and tonics, 2 extra strong scotch and sodas.  And misery and loneliness.  Don’t forget that.  It’s a good thing I am not thinking about the consequences of my actions.  Because I am starting to think that they are not going to be so good…


Billy Prophet said...

sorry guys. but it had to happen.

Billy Prophet said...

Well, I can't say that that went the way I had hoped. I think I am going to not do that again. It might be best.

Anonymous said...

I have to disagree. I don't know what the fallout from telling her the way you feel is, was, or will be, but you laid it all out there like a man. It would not be best, in my opinion, to not do that again. I for one am proud of that uncharacteristic display of humanity. Even a rejection is a success if it enables one to move on, I've always thought.