It’s not that I am miserable. I’m not. I’m doing just fine. Not that “just fine” is anywhere near where I would like to be. But that is mostly how things are and I am not in a fighting mood right now. If you had not realized it (and I try to keep it hidden, so I don’t know that you would have) I am quite prone to mood swings. I often fluctuate quite easily from ebullient to pissed off to bottom of the bottle depressed. And I have little control over it all. The littlest things will set me off.
But right now I am finding myself in the most truthful of moods. Well, perhaps not the most truthful. There are still some lies that I would tell. Still some truths that I will not reveal. But I am in a very truthful mood. So here it goes. Here are some things that I probably should have said a long time ago and just didn’t, for one reason or another. I am not really good at this kind of thing. Anyway:
Misa, I really care about you. I do. And I know you find it hard to take me seriously, well, so do I. But I do have my moments and this is one of them. If I had lived nearer to you I would have asked you out ages ago. I can only hope that you would have given me at least a chance to prove that I am worth your time. But as it is that I live so many hours away, I felt that it would be a waste of your time if I had pursued you. Especially since I have never found myself very good at the practice. There are innumerable other girls you could ask to verify that statement. But as it is that I have been in a depressed mood this evening and then drinking quite a bit to top that off, I find myself in a position that simply will not let me rest on my laurels. So here it is, plain and simple. I know we live a long ways away from each other. And I would not ask you to drive or fly that distance, as it is both costly and time consuming. But if you want me too, I would drive (I can’t really afford to fly) that 4 or 5 hours (whatever it is) to see you. Hell, my dad did worse. He drove 9 hours to see my mom after they first met. If not, I understand. Distance is a mother fucker. And I can take it. There is a girl around here that I am thinking of asking out. I don’t know her quite as well, and she may not be as suited for me as you are (I really don’t know, I haven’t gotten to know her that well yet) but she doesn’t live so many hours away. I realize that I am I likely overstepping the bounds of propriety at this point and if I had anyone to hold me back, I don’t doubt that they would. But fuck that shit. Like I said, I am depressed and I have been drinking and I have decided that it was about fucking time that I said some of the things that I have been meaning to say.
I am not so drunk that I am incoherent. Nor am I so drunk that I will reveal all things. On the off chance that the girls I know in Vegas are reading this I will not reveal any more on that topic. It’s just that I have grown tired of wallowing in the mire of my own ineffectuality. I was made for so much better than this. And this stagnant lifestyle is not meant for me. And I will break out in any way I can.
In case anyone was wondering: 2 gin and tonics, 2 extra strong scotch and sodas. And misery and loneliness. Don’t forget that. It’s a good thing I am not thinking about the consequences of my actions. Because I am starting to think that they are not going to be so good…