Wednesday, November 23, 2005

you are acursed before gods and men

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"So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth."
- God, The Book, "Rev 3:16"
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It would seem (at least to me, I don't really ask around for opinions (and not just because I dont really value the opinions of the dumb fuck bastards I spend most of my time with)) that the majority of my problems stem from this very issue: being lukewarm. I realize that it is slightly off the original and I clearly am misapplying the bible in this issue. Yet I feel that it rings true. First of all, I am almost entirely lacking in passion. I care about very few things and for very few people. I have never really done anything that I truly enjoyed. I have never truly enjoyed anything. It isn't simply a matter of doing what I have to, &c. so that I can do what I want later (I am not "working for the weekend" as it were). Because there isn't really anything there. For fun I used to drink and attempt to "rage." Despite my overwhelming proficiency at drinking and making an ass of myself, however, it really isn't my thing, either. I am not a great person. I do fucked up shit. But I am not really all that bad either. I am not the good guy that girls eventually come to their senses and wake up in love with. Nor am I the asshole bad boy that girls futily hope to reform. I am not the hero you cheer for or the villain you love to hate. It's something else entirely.

Lukewarm. I don't really think that there is a much better way to put it. I suffer the suburban curse (Kierkegaard would have labeled my an aethetic personality and a long way from ideal) of having as my sole goal in life staving off impending boredom. Things could get better. Things could get worse. But they won't get better and they won't get worse. And that is precisely the problem. The problem with me. The problem with my life. The problem with my future. And I have no idea how to change it.

I am far to deep in debt to quit my job and live on the street. And I am simply in no way inclined to actually put my degree to use and "work" for a living in some damn office or some such. I could make my life "better" or "worse" but not without negatively impacting those that I care about (and few though they are, I cause them to worry enough as it is). Other than that, I don't know what I can do. It's not like I really can change my personality and make myself more passionate or some fucked up shit like that. You can't make yourself care. It doesn't work like that. I tried.

Well, that was pointless. Rambling, almost completely useless, and not even funny. Clearly I have to dedicate this post to Jakob Stephano Krol. Because he will appreciate it the least, but read it because he has nothing better to do.

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Four cheers for the end of the post.
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