Thursday, October 6, 2005

Serenity Now!

My close personal friend Jonas Salk Krol, famed explorer and dinosaur hunter, has recently conveyed to me that my writing has become wholly unitelligible. While I completely disagree, I thought that perhaps I could throw him a bone, as a feller says, and compose something more on his level.

Contemplating his inevitable death (he is nearing 30 and thus his twilight years) he wanted for me to record his legacy. I told him I didn't have the time. He agreed to an abriged version to be presented here and optioned 2 books. Needing a new benefactor, I set to the task.

J.S., as he is sometimes known, has an insatiable love of women. Younger women, older women, women his own age; as long as they are ridiculously hot, he loved them...and continues to "love" them. You know, fucks like there's no tomorrow. Though his sexual prowess is somewhat limited, he has, in his time, had no shortage of female, and an occasional male, companions. You see, J.S. is the Swindler, the one and only. It's not that he is a liar (that was always my role) it is just that he can create the Grand Illusion that all women find irresistable. And for reasons beyond the comprehension of all who know him, he is able to dazzle the beautiful into his clutches. Some don't even end up regretting it.

But his true legacy is that of being The Greatest Sellout of All Time. It began slowly at first. He gained Sellout points a few at a time, but gradually he ascended to heights that mere mortals had never dreamed. Indeed, no one ever believed that J.S. could ever truly reach the heights of Greatest. There were so many great Sellouts that had gone before. So many that deserved the title. And none of those Sellouts had set out to become Sellouts (a plan that severly limited J.S.'s chances of achieving his goal). I often questioned him, "Is it really selling out if you are trying to do it?" But he held fast. He maintained. And as you all know, in his 43rd year, J.S. finally achieved his goal of being The Greatest Sellout of All Time. Well, we all know what happened next. But let me just say, the gauntlet has been thrown down and I do not think any will ever reach those heights again. J.S. Krol is truly an American Hero.

And then there was the Switch. What a big mistake that shit was. I don't think I'm going to Switch Back. I just don't see the point.

"I like internet porn. You know, the kinky stuff."
- Joseph Stalin Krol

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