Jeff thinks that my posts have been, on the whole depressing, and thinking wholly of himself and his own entertainment (I would have done the same) he wants me to shake things up a bit and throw out an "uplifting" piece for his (and anyone else who bother to read this amazing work) enjoyment. Let's see how I do:
Since this is an "uplifting" post, I will now refrain from what I was going to write about: being a misanthope and hating people (fucking bastards) and instead shed light on a different facet of my fractured personality. I am a hopeless romantic (read: Prince Charming, Mr. Right, Mr. Right Now, and Sweet Dude, depending on your liking).
Being the model of male perfection wasn't an easy thing for me to adjust to. It came on rather suddenly (I was something of a nerd in high school and something of a drunk in college) but I think I have (mostly) come to grips with the change. It turns out that not only am I beautiful (I am, you should see) but I am also charming, and passionate. Look out ladies, I have a vast potential for breaking hearts (not that I want to, I have a sensitive side now and that would hurt me terribly). The unfortunate difficulty with just recently discovering that I am the one true specimen of human perfection is that I don't quite know how to use my powers (for good or ill). Fighting all the girls off is becoming harder and harder (I'm thinking I may need to hire security soon. And ladies, will you please stop stealing my things and selling them on ebay. I am going to run out of clothes soon. Do you really want me walking around town naked? Maybe you shouldn't answer that.). The worst problem, though, with being every woman's fantasy boy toy is developing a meaningful relationship. It's lonely on the top, bottom, reverse houdini, doggie style, and the rest. Where oh where can I find a woman who loves me for me and not just my chiseled abs, rock hard muscles, and all the rest of my "self." I am the world's loneliest most eligible bacherlor. And it hurts, inside. So ladies, if you think that you are indeed the woman for me, I am accepting applications now. The interview process is somewhat involved, so please, if you have a history of heart trouble, tell me in advance (I don't need another one dying on me). Ages 18-30 only. Resumes and 3 professional references prefered.
"Two paths diverged in a wood, and I ... I took neither and it has made no difference."
- Isaac Aronson, Listen to the Turtle